“Total Eclipse of the Heart”
by Bonnie Tyler
from the album Faster Than the Speed of the Night
1983
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I think i’ve resisted this long enough. Yes, it’s completely a karaoke cliché. Yes, it is totally overdone. Yes, it always has the potential to be completely epic.

I’ve said before there are some songs with female singers that I’m foolishly willing to try anyway. This is not one of them. In fact, this is one that I will not even encourage someone singing unless I know they can do it (which mostly just includes my friends Michelle and Laura). And as for me? The male backup on this is crucial! Sure, anytime someone busts this out, you can find any poor schlub (or whatever the female equivalent of that is – schlubbette?) to do the back-ups, and it will be serviceable. But who’s listened to it repeatedly to hear all the nuances? To pick out the parts of the chorus where the guy is also singing, even if all you can hear is Bonnie Tyler? To know (by heart, because they never include this in the on-screen lyrics) the final little riff for the male vocalist, and who will sing it even though no one remembers that part and thinks he’s just trying to steal the spotlight and even though by then generally everyone is clapping (and deservedly so) for the woman who just knocked the song out of the park? Who, even though he doesn’t encourage women to sing this unless they can nail it, will completely whore himself out and try to be the go to back-up person for any and every person attempting it? Who will give this song the respect it deserves and ridiculously treat it with entirely too much seriousness?

THIS GUY.

Once at my old work, a holiday video was being put together. The director asked my friend Emily and I to sing this, and we got in an actual on-air argument about exactly how the backing vocals go (“I say the “bright eyes” goes up on the third verse” – that sort of thing). I was wrong. What can I say? This song incites passion, and is a classic for a reason.